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Feb. 10th, 2008

Quotes, oh yes I love them

"What did they call this? I thought it was a heaven ball..."
"Hank if this is food, what have we been eating?"
-Louanne and Peggy on eating organic food. (King of the Hill)

"Success seems to be connected to action. Succesful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit." -Conrad Hilton

"Always act like you're wearing an invisible crown, I do." -Paris Hilton

Nov. 19th, 2007

One year, same time

One year, same time, same faces
meeting nightly in the same places
under the cover of blackness
quite close
but not quite lovers

The smell of insence
burning your bed
the foreign thoughts
temporal in my head

the fear, the doubt, the need
caffeiene, tears, and a fire
kindling
dying

One year, same tie, same lights
but new lows, new foundations, new heights
like an ember
we
glow through the night

soon overshadowed by
new moons, new lights

Nov. 4th, 2007

(no subject)

Last Post 11 weeks ago. How can i explain the last 11 weeks... the whole thing has been a blur of college apps and essay writing.

Things I need to tell you (me..?)

Sixth Grade Camp
My Essays
Reno
The Britney Album
Someday this pain will be useful to you
Starbucks Drive Through
My First Ticket!
!alloween
\eth and 9revor

Talk to you tonight
Rx

Aug. 12th, 2007

(no subject)

I have attachment issues. I don't need a shrink or the very large book of abnormal psychology to tell me that, because it's so obvious after sitting through any movie with me. The characters come on screen one by one, cleverly introduced so that I imagine I could have known each and every one of them for years. And by the end of the movie I'm clenching my fingers into a pillow, biting my lip, covering my stomach with a blanket, in a panic because I know that the entirety of this character's life will come to a close at the end of an hour.

But we've just met.

Any book, or film, or television show. Regardless of the medium, I will become hopelessly addicted to the characters and mourn their loss as if some part of my life before their existence had been hugely dependent on their actions.

And perhaps this is my problem with reality. I want that instant trust, that strong bond of fictional relationships, without having the patience to actually achieve it.

Jun. 25th, 2007

0607 School Year Flashback

A practical can opener was invented in 1858, about 50 years after the can

Finished Breakfast at Tiffany's by Capote

Never think like a victim. Don't waste energy casting blame. Focus on the goal and work day by day to overcome the obstacles in your path. ASk for help when you need it and help others when you can. Set expectations high, and never accept anything other than the best.

Finished the Thirteenth Tale by Setterfield
Finished The Bean Trees by Kingsolver

You can have the things that you want in life, or you can have the excuses as to why you didn't get them.

Forgetting the word you want to use is called "lethologica"

"Turtle always had desperate, active dreams. In sleep, it seemed, she was free to d oall the things that during her waking life she could only watch."
"He was supposedly the most valuable stud on the face of the earth, and then he turned out to be a reticent breeder, which is a fancy way of saying homosexual."
-Kingsolver

In 1997, a Mexican town had a storm in which frogs fell from the sky.
To date, at least 37 people have been killed by vending machines.

Finished The Great Gatsby by Fitzgerald

Finished Pure Sunshine by James

"I think it's all just a theory. You know what I think? I think that volcanos used to erupt water instead of lava and THAT'S how the oceans were formed."
-T.Dowd

"In the midst of winter I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer."
-Camus

Finished Sex and the City by Bushnell

"Many people search blindly for the meaning of life. What they don't seem to understand is that life does not have meaning through mere existence or acquisition or fun. The meanings of life are inherent in the interaction we make to others through honor and obligation."
-Shclessinger

"But my secret kickass chivalry is tainted, obviously, by my obviousness, and it's the obvious thing that it's not going to happen."
-Handler

Hippopotomostrosesquippedaliophobibia - fear of long words

Jun. 7th, 2007

Writer's Block: Words that you love and hate

What are your favorite and least favorite words? Any reasons why?

splooge

disembodiment

ethereal

suppose

snack pack

(the last one because it sends my art teacher into shivers of sadness)

May. 23rd, 2007

Ambush

There is something malevolently wrong with an ambush. Teeth bared, chests heaving, each of the attackers barely able to hold back in anticipation for the violence to erupt. I knew there was something up when three people reminded me that we had a "prom meeting" today at lunch, but when everyone in the room didn't look me in the eye for a solid twenty minutes, I knew that I was in over my head.

Like any sane, emotionally stable, person, I held it together. As my priorities, accomplishments, and even character were ripped to shreds, however politely, the bubbling anger within me stayed put. I didn't let it spill out of my ears or funnel it into a menacing glare. I took what they had to say, (especially because it was partially founded) and filed it away.

And as everyone nodded and walked out of the room, feeling resolved, I marched to my car and pounded the loudest, screamiest music in my collection directly through the speaker. I drove by the school for good measure, and took my anger out at red lights, stop signs, and slow drving pedestrians.

But it overall was a bad day.

The worst part is, the person who facilitated this meeting let it happen. She knew the entire time EXACTLY what was going on. She led them into it, veiling the attack as an open discussion. Which is complete bullshit. What kind of open discussion does "Are you one hundred percent committed?" entail? It doesn't, because there is only one answer. There was no reasoning back to an entire crowd.

I hate people sometimes.

Work didn't help my mood, either. I had a redneck cowboy hit on my seventeen year old friend and proceed to tell me that he refused to let me serve him "because a man's job is a man's job and a woman's job is a woman's job." I forgot that ignorant morons still existed in the world, but this one jolted me back to reality. This cowBOY proceeded to stand in the drive thru driveway and stare down my female coworker until our boss told them to take a hike.

I was going to tell them to do something far less friendly, so it was a good thing she was there.

The only difference between the dirty redneck and my attackers, it seems, is that the cowboy was honest.

May. 14th, 2007

Skeletons Reanimate

It's weird how we forget certain insecurities if they go unmentioned for a long enough period of time. What's wierder, however, is how strongly we remember when they step out of the shadow and stare us down in the face.

Ok, not weird... freaking stomach churning.

I'd thought I had forgotten the whole thing. The drama, the heartbreak, and the breakdown thereafter. But when I saw him sitting in that back seat andproceed to scream at the driver to "go go go!" every desperate moment came flooding back to me as if the whole thing had transpired mere seconds ago. I think I might have been ok, if he hadn't shown up again the next day at the gym (of course using all of the machines I was in need of) and then again on my way to prom set up, and then again at prom.

It's just a big fat WTF. I don't want this in my face. I held it in front of my nose for a year and a half, and now that I've finally let it go he just pops back up to say "no way buddy!"

As if that wasn't torture enough, another one of my walking mistakes showed up at prom too! (Fortunately my only two mishaps at prom, the evening otherwise far surpassed my expectations.) And then again at work today! And, again, I would have been ok, but he just giggled the whole time - which automatically translates in my mind to smack talk.

Bad situation.

I'm just hoping to take the high road and face this head on. Sure, both situations are equally embarrasing, though on seperate levels, but I can't hide from them. I can't run away or pretend that the whole thing never happened. I can't lie- to myself especially. Because the only way to bury the shit is to shovel it and chuck it.

May. 13th, 2007

Randomocity

Life must be understood backwards, but... it must be lived forward. -Soren Kierkegaard

You CAN have it all. You just can't have it all at once. -Oprah Winfrey

If what your're working for really matters, you'll give it all you got. -Nido Qubein

Scary Thought of the Day
Grumpy obese woman chasing her small dog through the park, screaming "Snickers!"

(no subject)

Sometimes I'm terrified. Terrified that by some unfortunate doomsday like circumstance I will be stuck in this lifeless soul eating town, making coffee for people marginally richer than I. That I will live in a shitty apartment and drive my shitty car and have a shitty life lived vicariously through reality television shows and pathetic landscape photography. That someday the invisible third foot is going to drop right onto my college admissions essay and I'll be rejected. Everywhere.

Sometimes I'm terrified that I'll die alone. An old virgin pervert who spent too much time on his career, with too high standards and no social life. Similar to the previous shitty life premonition, this one involves me driving an expensive car, living in an expensive mansion, and buying lattes from people marginally less wealthy than I. Who live in their shitty apartments with their loving husband/wife/sex object that happens to cook breakfast on alternate tuesdays. As couples walk hand in hand into the retirement home I'll be tended by my menopausal mexican nurse, Hilda, who gags as she sponge bath's my frail old frame.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll never live. That I'll spend my whole life jumping through hoops, always preparing to leap through the one two hops down. I spout the "looking out the windows on a road trip is often more satisfying than reaching the destination," but I'm already booking flights for trips that haven't materialized.

Sometimes I'm fearful of becoming someone who lives in the good old days. Reminiscing to any passing stranger about my youthful accomplishments (summing up to winning one election for student body president in the spring before my senior year of highschool). Devoid of actual good old days to bank for the future, the idea that things could actually get worse keeps me up at night.

Sometimes I'm terrified. Terrified that I'm going to wake up tomorow, look in the mirror, and scream because I'm staring back into the eyes of everything I'm terrified of.

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